Soon the gargantuan flying scorpions will swarm all over the planet, making life a helluva lot harder than it already is. The Wormwood asteroid will crash into Lake Bridgeport, causing torrents of acid rain to fall. It won’t be too sexy. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Larry Hagman and Truman Capote, will thunder into town on urgent hooves, waving exquisite instant message banners of pestilence, degradation, motherfuckery and shititis. To add devastating insult to considerable injury, The Whore of Babylon will arrive on the seven headed ten horned scarlet beast from the lowest region of Hell, drunk off her ass on the blood of the saints, spewing much venom and doom from her Fuck Me Faster Fuck Me Harder, Baby lips. You will need the following:

1. whiskey (wine won’t help)
2. insurance (the good kind)
3. social security number tattooed to clavicle
4. driver’s license number tattooed to forehead
5. donuts (they better NOT be stale!)
6. panther (no collar or leash, be kind)