You need this yogurt. Eat this yogurt and you will never get cancer or hemorrhoids. Buy this pizza and be popular. Buy this pizza and be the belle of the ball. You will buy this dishwasher detergent. All the other dishwasher detergents suck. You’ve got to try this new popcorn. Your tongue will have multiple orgasms. You want this candle. This candle will change your life. Light this candle and the demons will disappear and men will want to fuck you. You should be standing in line for this eyeliner. This eyeliner will make you a sex object. Everyone wants to be wanted for their sex alone. Everyone wants to be fuckable. Everyone wants to be a big fat ten. Drink this tea and lose weight. Bake this cake and the terrorists won’t blow up your plane. Collect these porcelain animals and you will never die. Everyone wants to achieve porcelain animal collectible status. Eat at this restaurant and be ogled. People will watch you eat your pasta and think, “That person is like me. In the zone. In the know. Off the hook. That person is hot. That person does not fart or belch.” Drink this vodka and be wise. You will know everything you need to know if you drink this vodka. Tell all your friends about it. The whole world needs to drink this vodka. Pass it on to your parents. This candy will make people love you. People will watch you eat this candy and think, “Damn. That son of a bitch don’t mess around. That rooster toot means business. That rascal knows what time it is. That angel skunk has the keys to the kingdom.” Chewey was raised the right way by the right parents. Chewey knows to eat this bread. This bread is the reason why Chewey makes a million dollars a year, has nice healthy teeth, a gorgeous former Miss October wife, three intelligent, obedient children, a mansion in Dallas and a dog who follows orders. Why aren’t you wiping your ass with this toilet tissue? You are going to get butt cancer. You are going to die unless you wipe your ass with this toilet tissue. Why are you having sex with that person? You cannot have sex with that person. That person does not drink the right soda. This soda is the soda of a generation. The generation that drinks this soda will treat the world like the lady she is. The generation that drinks this soda will not break the world’s heart or fuck her without permission from her father. These jawbreakers will save your life. Drive this kind of car. Or don’t. If you want to suck, fine. Don’t drive this car. Don’t drive this car and you will surely suck. Drive this car and it is guaranteed you will not suck. Not only will you not suck, you will not get pulled over by the cops or dumped by your girlfriend. Use this mustard on your sandwich. The other kind of mustard will make people laugh at you. People will throw boulders at your house if you use that other kind of mustard on your turkey sandwich. You should know better than to use that other kind of mustard. You are not mentally retarded. You are a genius. Which is why you will slather this mustard on your wheat bread. Why are you eating that pizza? You might as well go around saying, “La da la da dee. A leprechaun just crawled out of me ass. Would you like to crawl up inside my nose, boy blue? All of this can be yours for free! Hee hee hee. I’m a generous lad!” Eat that pizza and be mocked by people who would not touch that pizza with a ten foot pole. The people who would not touch that pizza with a ten foot pole will see you eating that pizza and say, “That goofy gnat fuck has just flipped her fucking lid. She is a goat fart for sure. She is the reason why God made Arkansas. Why the fuck would she eat that pizza? That is crazy pizza. Well, she is one of those idiot retard leaf sniffing doo doo heads who doesn’t know any better. Bless her heart.” Buy this deodorant or else smell like ferret sex. Buy this deodorant and get invited to the hay ride. Haven’t you heard about this coconut balm for your tallywhacker? Well, you are hearing about it now. Slather this coconut balm on your tallywhacker and watch the girls gather around like fruit flies at an Alabama picnic. If you are a gay man, the gay men will gather around like mosquitoes on da bayou. If you are pansexual, everybody in the goddamn bodunka fuck world will gather around like rats in a cheese factory. You will be the Pied Piper of both pussy and cock and you know it, which is why you are riding your scooter to the nearest Walgreen’s this very instant to stock up on this coconut balm.

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