Fuck you, Pay Day One. Fuck you and your Great Rate Guarantee. Fuck you and your No-Hassle Application. Fuck you and your 24/7 Service. Fuck your CONSUMER NOTICE:

Payday advances should be used for short-term financial needs only, not as a long-term financial solution. Customers with credit difficulties should seek credit counseling.

I’m fucking stupid. I’m fucking starved for things. I saw the pretty fake pink check in the envelope and visions of sugar plums danced in my head. I saw a new dress. I saw a new pair of shoes. I saw a trip to the hot shit rich bitch salon in Gun Barrel City. I saw at least one cheeseburger with waffle fries and at least two Mexican beers and maybe a walnut brownie with vanilla bean ice cream and coffee for dessert. I saw a few items knocked off the old wish list at amazon. I saw a belated bouquet of birthday balloons for my mom. I saw an airplane ticket to San Francisco.

Fuck you. Fuck the American tease. My mousy nose goes crazy sniffing the invisible cheese in the fun house maze of broken mirrors. I hear you loud and clear as Christmas bells, baby. I should get my lazy ass to W-O-R-K. Find a job in a tampon factory. Take phone calls from people bitching about their cell phone bills. Patrol the grounds of a country club armed with a badge and a walkie talkie. “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” I could wipe the noses and asses of the children of attorneys and accountants, teach them about Elvis dying on the potty. There’s always the hooker gig. Sucking dick never goes out of style.

Fuck that bullshit. I want a pretty pink check in the mail made out to me. A million…no…a TRILLION dollars for free, just for being me, the malnourished manic finger tapping maker of miracles. Reward me. I promise to thank God and the Academy.